But as it raged on, getting more and more heated, I finally found my voice.
“Stop it! Just stop it!” I shouted angrily, and they both instantly fell silent. Now that I had their full attention, I went on in a more level tone, though it was still simmering with rage: “You should both be ashamed of yourselves.
C.G is dead and all you care about is who gets his body! He was the sweetest kid ever; so, can we please mourn him with some basic degree of respect,” my voice broke, but I raged on. “Chris, you kept him from me while he was still here, and now that he’s gone, you still want to take him from me. And sis, you want him to spend the night here, alone down in the cold, just so that we can wait for Dad to pick him up tomorrow. Do either of you even know what I want, or doesn’t that matter?”
They both had the grace to look embarrassed and after a few seconds
“I’m sorry, babe, you’re right; you’re going through hell, and we’re not helping,” my sister admitted. “What do you want?”
Despite my rant, the truth was that I did not even know what I wanted; I had been so wrapped up in the pain of losing C.G that I had not gotten round to thinking about what I wanted to happen with him now that he was gone.
“I need to think, I’m going for a walk,” I announced, getting up from the bed.
“I’ll come with you,” my sister quickly offered, hurriedly getting to her feet as well.
“No! I want to be alone,” I stopped her in her tracks.
“I don’t think you should be alone at a time like this,” she argued, her tone nervous and uncertain.
“I just need some time to myself,” I insisted as I moved to the door, anxious to get out of the room.
As I got to the door, Chris put out a hand and pleaded softly: “Don’t do anything stupid.”
I knew exactly what he meant – he thought I was suicidal. I did not blame him; after all, it would not be the first time I tried to kill myself, and my sister probably had the same fear.
The truth was I did want to die, but that would only add to my family’s pain, and I could not bring myself to do that to them.
“I think there has been enough death and pain around here for one day,” I muttered, then turned back to my sister who was still looking at me worriedly. “I’ll be back.”
Pulling my hand free from Chris’, I left the room. I knew exactly where my ‘walk’ was going to take me.
From my room, I had spotted a small green belt between the back parking lot and the hospital’s stores, which unlike the rest of the hospital, hardly had any human traffic, and wanting to be alone, it was there that I headed.
I took the fire escape stairwell, and arrived at the spot in under five minutes, and sat down on the curb, with a row of parked cars in front of me. On the other side of the lawn, workers were offloading boxes of drugs, while two other men in blue overalls were working on a leaking water tank.
Other than them, I was alone – exactly how I wanted to be. I had somehow managed to have the foresight to carry my handbag with me when I left the room, and now I rummaged through it looking for four specific items; a cigarette, lighter, notebook and pen.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I found all four and quickly lit the cigarette. I knew smoking was not allowed here, but I did not care, and in any case there was no-one around to stop me.
Next, I picked up the pen and notebook, and flipped through it to a blank page.