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Makeup sex great, but…

For your own sake, here is hoping that the only great sex you ever enjoy in your marriage is not when you are making up after yet another fight!

After hearing it so many times from different couples, I am starting to believe some couples indeed deliberately pick quarrels and fights to spice up their sex lives…

“The only way to get my husband to that passionate, aggressive place I sometimes crave in our sex life, is to first provoke him to anger. Then he pours that anger into the lovemaking later as we make up, and I am the beneficiary,” one wife once said of her husband, who is generally a stickler for gentlemanliness and propriety, even when it comes to lovemaking.

To his wife, it was all getting monotonous, until they had their first big row and what followed naturally later, started a dangerous loop in the marriage: she deliberately started tapping into that angry and violent place he fought to stay away from, just to get her ‘fix’ later.

So much so that she does not know how to just be romantic and seductive the normal way and have anything to write home about. The result: the sex is still great when it happens, but she has also provoked some very unsavoury things to come out of her husband’s mouth and some of the hurtful episodes have eroded the love and respect she once felt for him.

Theirs is like the couple that cannot get their intimacy on unless they are intoxicated on booze or something. The problem with getting yourself addicted to makeup sex is that you actually do get seriously hurt along the way.

And as the initially intentional or provoked cruelty takes root and becomes what it truly is – gross disrespect and physical violence – even the orgasmic sex afterwards shall not be worth it anymore.

The thing is, abuse does chip something away gradually every time it happens. Some words spoken in anger will never go away, no matter how many pink or lilac elephants you later see as you hotly make up.

What started out as simple arguments and misunderstandings can quickly escalate into big fights and even breakups. Psychologists say mild anger comes with an adrenaline rush that is comparable to sexual arousal, which is why many couples use that to full advantage as a form of foreplay.

But they warn, if that is how you get your groove on, avoid uttering hurtful words. They never quite go away. In fact, sex expert Dr Jessica O’Reilly told online magazine Elite Daily the problem with makeup sex was that “it rewards fighting, drama and general bad behaviour”.

You surely must know of at least one couple with so many unresolved past issues because the impasses ended with great makeup sex, but no communication. So, while the sex following a fight can be unforgettable, remember to also communicate and talk about the underlying issues.

Because you will have post-fight sex until a time comes and the accumulated harm is too great to be undone by even the most earth-shattering lovemaking. I think God programmed couples to naturally disagree occasionally for a perfectly healthy marriage, but then He put a balm in the sex to make sure couples did not stay hostile and angry for long.

But what have we done instead?

After discovering the hotness and beauty in makeup sex, fights are deliberately manufactured, just so to get to the making up part. Hee, one day you will rudely discover that there is simply no recovering from some fights.

One Ugandan wife screamed at her husband to go sleep with his mother (using the ‘F’ word hysterically), and that was the end of that marriage. Some things, not even great sex can fix.

carol@observer.ug

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